I am having Christmas panic attacks. Not the usual how-are-we-going-to-be-able-to-afford-presents panic attacks. Those have become as commonplace a tradition as putting up the Christmas tree. My kids are getting to the age that I am sure that any minute now they will start to question Santa and all his "magic". Well, they have already started to question it but in a horrible way. Jillian actually said yesterday "you guys would NEVER lie to us so we know Santa is real". Aaaahhhh! I have had guilt about this for years now. I know that it is all about the wonder of Christmas and all that fun stuff but I have felt like it really is a big, fat lie. I am someone that is just about incapable of lying and hate every second of it when I have to, as we are all forced to do sometime or another in our lifetime. If I have it well rehearsed and planned out I can sometimes pull it off, but if I have to lie on the fly, I suck at it. It really is a blessing and a curse. Now, I feel like this lie is biting me in the ass. They have cousins that tried to tell them years ago about Santa when they were too young for me to ruin it for them, so I am freaking out that now they will resent me for the rest of their lives for tricking them for all these years.
I realize that I am probably overreacting to this. We all went through the realizations of Christmas and not too many of us are scarred for life about it. After the comment Jillian made yesterday we actually went online to look up any suggestions from other parents about how to deal with this as many parents go through the same thing and all of them have kids that someday have to figure it all out. We found a couple of good suggestions. The best one said to tell your kids that Santa WAS a real person many, many years ago. This is true. This "Nick" guy we learn about was someone that used to leave presents for the sick and needy and later was named a saint. They suggested that we tell them that since that wonderful man has long since left this world that parents now carry on his legacy and spirit by carrying on the tradition he started. I just still feel like they are going to feel betrayed when they find out that there is no "magic" and no one comes down the chimney (even though we have never had one) and trades off presents for cookies and milk. Oh yeah, that was the other thing she said. "you guys would NEVER eat the cookies and the carrots we leave out!" Again, aaaahhhhh! How did this happen? What am I supposed to do? They have heard from other kids that they don't believe in Santa but they are not buying it one bit since their parents would never lie to them so it must be true. Kacie is now ten and Jillian is eight so I feel like it is an ok time for them to find out. I don't want my kids to be the ones that are made fun of because they are too childish. I know that I have problems about worrying too much. I just wish they would either just figure it out on their own or listen when someone tells them (like they already have) and not ask me "Mom, is Santa REALLY real?" so I don't have to be the one to tell them and see their disappointed little faces. I think I may set some red flags off when they open their stockings (always filled by Santa) and realize that most of it has come from Walgreens, a store that they are very familiar with the products we sell. I think Christmas morning would be the worst time for them to find out but it may be unavoidable. I will be so relieved when it is over. Not Christmas, but the stress of wondering how they will find out. If anyone has any suggestions other than what I have seen, it would be greatly appreciated. Even stories of how you found out and how you are NOT scarred for life about it or hate your parents for making you feel like a fool, that would make me feel better. I think. Maybe. AAAHHHHH!!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
Get it together people!
I am frustrated. I have had three different nurses come to change my bandages after my surgery last week. I have been in so much pain that it feels like I am never going to heal. Now I have an idea as to why it hurts so much. The nurse that has come most of the time always leaves me in more pain than before she came. The actual changing of the bandages is not too painful so I didn't understand why. Now I know that she just wasn't doing a very good job and was taping the bandages too tight so that when I sat down, they pressed on the packing and the wound. The nurse that has come for the past two days has made me feel so much better and in much less pain.
I know that with every job there are some people that are just better at their jobs. I get it. It is just frustrating that this happens with people that are in a field that takes care of people and their health. In the hospital, I saw a three different nurses. Two were amazing and sweet and made me feel well taken care of. One was a total douche and hurt me so bad when she took my iv out because she was so rough. How can there be doctors and dentists and nurses that are not good at their jobs? I know that I am being naive about this but it still seems wrong. If one is going to choose a job that puts people's lives and care in their hands, then do it well! Not to minimize my job but if someone leaves my department with the wrong shade of lipstick, it's not the end of the world and they will not suffer painful consequences for it. I do take my job seriously but I know that the burden of the health care field is heavier than mine. I am just having a hard time with the fact that some of the pain I have been in is because the person I am trusting to take good care of me is not doing their job the best they can. Phew, I needed to vent! Time for more meds!
I know that with every job there are some people that are just better at their jobs. I get it. It is just frustrating that this happens with people that are in a field that takes care of people and their health. In the hospital, I saw a three different nurses. Two were amazing and sweet and made me feel well taken care of. One was a total douche and hurt me so bad when she took my iv out because she was so rough. How can there be doctors and dentists and nurses that are not good at their jobs? I know that I am being naive about this but it still seems wrong. If one is going to choose a job that puts people's lives and care in their hands, then do it well! Not to minimize my job but if someone leaves my department with the wrong shade of lipstick, it's not the end of the world and they will not suffer painful consequences for it. I do take my job seriously but I know that the burden of the health care field is heavier than mine. I am just having a hard time with the fact that some of the pain I have been in is because the person I am trusting to take good care of me is not doing their job the best they can. Phew, I needed to vent! Time for more meds!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Turning into a pumpkin before your very eyes
This is probably the shortest and least coherent blog I will ever write. I am going into surgery #8 in seven or so hours. I will be short because of two things. One, my time of cut off is inching closer. I only have six more minutes until Ican't eat or drink anything and I have no intention on being up for any of that. It will be incoherent because the insurance policy I used to make sure I wasn't awake (ambien) has punched me in the face and I feel a little drunk off of it.
I have no intention on any sort of a creepy last anything. No friggin way. I will not reflect on my life in any way except to say that I love my life. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am freaking out. Like, a lot. I have had mini panic attacks all day (or week for that matter) about tiny details of the day. It has been torture. I know I will be fine. I know this. I know that I will be in a lot of pain and I have to accept that. I just can't believe that I have to get up in a matter of (short) hours and soon after that someone is going to cut me open. again. I will be fine. I look at it like this: I only have a few more hours to worry about it. Its almost over. I would love thoughts and, if you choose, prayers. Thats all I can ask for.
I hope I didn't rattle on too long and stupidly. It's what I needed to do. I feel a tiny bit better. I hope you do too. Thanks for reading. It means you care. Does it get any better than that?
I have no intention on any sort of a creepy last anything. No friggin way. I will not reflect on my life in any way except to say that I love my life. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am freaking out. Like, a lot. I have had mini panic attacks all day (or week for that matter) about tiny details of the day. It has been torture. I know I will be fine. I know this. I know that I will be in a lot of pain and I have to accept that. I just can't believe that I have to get up in a matter of (short) hours and soon after that someone is going to cut me open. again. I will be fine. I look at it like this: I only have a few more hours to worry about it. Its almost over. I would love thoughts and, if you choose, prayers. Thats all I can ask for.
I hope I didn't rattle on too long and stupidly. It's what I needed to do. I feel a tiny bit better. I hope you do too. Thanks for reading. It means you care. Does it get any better than that?
Monday, September 8, 2008
57
My friend Katie recently did a blog that I am going to copy. Like a cat. Her favorite number is 57 so when she hit her 57th blog she decided to do a "57 things about me" blog. It was so funny that I decided to do one too. In her honor and for the love of the number 57, I am going to tell you 57 things about me too and hope mine are as entertaining as hers was. I think every blogger should do the same. Here goes nothing.
1. Annie (as in lil orphan) was my hero as a kid.
2. I once broke the kitchen light while I was dancing naked in my room above it when I was a kid.
3. I am afraid of EVERYTHING including, but not limited to, heights, all things that fly, the dark, dangerous machinery, ladders and anything bad that may happen to my kids or Cyn.
4. Sometimes I feel like there are not enough meds in the world to cure my crazy.
5. I worry everyday that I will pass my worrying on to my kids. Hence, crazy.
6. Tap dancing was and always will be my happy place.
7. I don't know if I will ever be a homeowner.
8. I kind of like the cheezy music we have on the overhead at work that everyone complains about.
9. I get lost driving home. (not really but you get the picture!)
10. I wish I were more creative.
11. I LOVE having Mondays off! Now only rainy days get me down.
12. My biggest talent is to memorize songs with supersonic speed. Useless unless I become a rockstar someday which is unlikely.
13. I do an amazing impression of Roz from Monsters Inc.
14. I wish my boobs were smaller.
15. I used to think that the Indigo Girls were a couple and had to see them soon because they were going to break up any minute.
16. I HATE that my house is so messy all the time. You would think that would make me clean it but here I sit, blogging.
17. Sometimes I lose weight without even trying.
18. I think spending money on laundry is a waste. Hence, messy house.
19. I worry I won't live up to the expectations they have for me at work.
20. I live for naps.
21. My favorite part of facebook is reading other people's status updates.
22. Sometimes I go through Guitar Hero withdrawals.
23. I hate the way glasses and non-coated paper plates feel. They give me the skeeves.
24. I want to own a small pick-up truck someday.
25. I wish I set off people's gaydar once in a while.
26. I have no idea how it happened, but I was in the Kenny Rogers' fan club when I was seven.
27. Music has always been my escape from the yucks.
28. If I could live off of coffee and nicotine I would. For days.
29. Technology is passing me by and I am slowly becoming the old lady that can't run the remote.
30. I love the smell of febreze.
31. I don't collect anything except junk.
32. As lonely as we both were, I am glad that my sister and I grew up apart because I don't know if we would be as close as we are now and that would be worse than being lonely.
33. My favorite number is two.
34. I don't know how it happened but my kids think the word crap is a swear. I say it all the time.
35. Concerts are my favorite thing to do of all time.
36. I miss playing games with my friends.
37. I am a very picky eater.
38. I miss the days of developing film when I had pictures in hand everytime.
38. I have had seven surgeries. I am about to have number eight. I am 34.
39. I always thought working with kids was what I wanted to do forever but I am so far enjoying retail much more.
40. I cringe everytime I hear people talk about being bipolar as the ultimate in crazy.
41. I am bipolar.
42. I put my family and friends through hell when I was first diagnosed and I will never get over that guilt.
43. I would rather text than call. This from the person that would spend up to 7-8 hours a day on the phone when I was a teenager.
44. I love Disney even though I have heard that Walt was a homophobe.
45. I always wanted a nick-name when I was a kid.
46. I wish I could keep my kids under my wing forever. I am sane enough to know that I can't.
47. I hate being cold more than almost anything else in the whole world.
48. Even though winter makes me miserable, I have no intention of ever moving out of New Hampshire.
49. My kids' Easter baskets are still in my living room.
50. I am proud to be part of a sorority. The thought that it has died out can almost bring tears to my eyes every time.
51. I almost never cry.
52. When I was a kid, I would imagine my biological parents were superheroes or rockstars.
53. I wonder if I will ever catch a break.
54. I really don't care what most people think about me.
55. I am fully aware that lots of people think I am a bitch a lot of the time.
56. I love to cross stitch Christmas stockings for my family even though I mess up a lot.
57. This blog took me all morning to write.
1. Annie (as in lil orphan) was my hero as a kid.
2. I once broke the kitchen light while I was dancing naked in my room above it when I was a kid.
3. I am afraid of EVERYTHING including, but not limited to, heights, all things that fly, the dark, dangerous machinery, ladders and anything bad that may happen to my kids or Cyn.
4. Sometimes I feel like there are not enough meds in the world to cure my crazy.
5. I worry everyday that I will pass my worrying on to my kids. Hence, crazy.
6. Tap dancing was and always will be my happy place.
7. I don't know if I will ever be a homeowner.
8. I kind of like the cheezy music we have on the overhead at work that everyone complains about.
9. I get lost driving home. (not really but you get the picture!)
10. I wish I were more creative.
11. I LOVE having Mondays off! Now only rainy days get me down.
12. My biggest talent is to memorize songs with supersonic speed. Useless unless I become a rockstar someday which is unlikely.
13. I do an amazing impression of Roz from Monsters Inc.
14. I wish my boobs were smaller.
15. I used to think that the Indigo Girls were a couple and had to see them soon because they were going to break up any minute.
16. I HATE that my house is so messy all the time. You would think that would make me clean it but here I sit, blogging.
17. Sometimes I lose weight without even trying.
18. I think spending money on laundry is a waste. Hence, messy house.
19. I worry I won't live up to the expectations they have for me at work.
20. I live for naps.
21. My favorite part of facebook is reading other people's status updates.
22. Sometimes I go through Guitar Hero withdrawals.
23. I hate the way glasses and non-coated paper plates feel. They give me the skeeves.
24. I want to own a small pick-up truck someday.
25. I wish I set off people's gaydar once in a while.
26. I have no idea how it happened, but I was in the Kenny Rogers' fan club when I was seven.
27. Music has always been my escape from the yucks.
28. If I could live off of coffee and nicotine I would. For days.
29. Technology is passing me by and I am slowly becoming the old lady that can't run the remote.
30. I love the smell of febreze.
31. I don't collect anything except junk.
32. As lonely as we both were, I am glad that my sister and I grew up apart because I don't know if we would be as close as we are now and that would be worse than being lonely.
33. My favorite number is two.
34. I don't know how it happened but my kids think the word crap is a swear. I say it all the time.
35. Concerts are my favorite thing to do of all time.
36. I miss playing games with my friends.
37. I am a very picky eater.
38. I miss the days of developing film when I had pictures in hand everytime.
38. I have had seven surgeries. I am about to have number eight. I am 34.
39. I always thought working with kids was what I wanted to do forever but I am so far enjoying retail much more.
40. I cringe everytime I hear people talk about being bipolar as the ultimate in crazy.
41. I am bipolar.
42. I put my family and friends through hell when I was first diagnosed and I will never get over that guilt.
43. I would rather text than call. This from the person that would spend up to 7-8 hours a day on the phone when I was a teenager.
44. I love Disney even though I have heard that Walt was a homophobe.
45. I always wanted a nick-name when I was a kid.
46. I wish I could keep my kids under my wing forever. I am sane enough to know that I can't.
47. I hate being cold more than almost anything else in the whole world.
48. Even though winter makes me miserable, I have no intention of ever moving out of New Hampshire.
49. My kids' Easter baskets are still in my living room.
50. I am proud to be part of a sorority. The thought that it has died out can almost bring tears to my eyes every time.
51. I almost never cry.
52. When I was a kid, I would imagine my biological parents were superheroes or rockstars.
53. I wonder if I will ever catch a break.
54. I really don't care what most people think about me.
55. I am fully aware that lots of people think I am a bitch a lot of the time.
56. I love to cross stitch Christmas stockings for my family even though I mess up a lot.
57. This blog took me all morning to write.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Hooray for crocs!
I have always loved my crocs. They are my favorite shoes ever. Since I have started in my new job the only complaint I have had is that my feet hurt SO BAD. I keep thinking that I just need to get used to being on my feet for 8-9 hours but it's been a month and no better. I just found out yesterday that I can wear my crocs and it made all the difference in the world. I know many people think they are ugly, and maybe they are. But, come on people! I had been wearing my favorite pair of doc martin's but they pale in comparison. Now, thanks to my crocs, I can get through my day, work many days in a row without dread and love my docs again. If you are thinking about skimping on price, don't. Get the real things. It's worth it. Your feet will thank me.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
My Next Adventure
Retail is going to be an adventure for me. The Walgreen's I work at just opened up on Friday and I have already witnessed my first CRAZY customer. We are trained to ask every customer if we can help them in any way when we see them. When I am out of my department (cosmetics, bitches!) I usually just say hello because I know that someone has probably already done this and there is no need to be redundant. My area, however is my area. So a woman walks in and, of course, I greet her and ask her if there is anything I can help her find. She bites my head off in an I-just-smoked-a-carton-of-butts voice and says "no, if there was I would ask you!". She continues with her rant to her husband/boyfriend/companion who was mortified. She continued to have a fit the whole time she shopped and told the woman at the front that Walgreen's doesn't support the military and that she would never be back. I am sure we will be seeing her soon enough. I hope we don't but I know that if it's not her, it will be someone else. So far, I am really enjoying my job. The last two weeks have been a lot of hard work to set up the store but I really think I am going to like it. I deserve a job that is good for me! It has been too long since I have had a job I like so I figure even crazy people are not going to bring me down. I have a great boss, interesting co-workers and full time hours. It just has to be good goddammit! So next time you visit the Green (what I am calling it so I don't keep saying wal mart!), remember, we are just trying to be friendly and do our job. A simple "no" will work if you would just like to browse. No need to flip out on the help!
First Day of School
This is a picture of the kids from their first day of school. Sorry I have been so slacking on this blog. I have been working like a maniac and too tired to think of anything clever to write about. I love my new job but I am having a hard time getting used to working 40+ hours so bear with me! Maybe I will think of something fun later today but for now I wanted to get this picture up for all to see. Check out Kacie's red chucks. She is so hip!Saturday, July 26, 2008
I Might Even Be a Rockstar!
Ok, Ok, I will admit it. I love Hannah Montana. The girls and I were just watching her 3-D concert on the Disney Channel and they went to bed and I keep watching. Not because I haven't seen it. I saw it in the theater. Seriously. I can't help it. The show is funny. The music is catchy. She is adorable. I wish people (the media) would just leave one of the few untainted stars we have left well enough alone and let her have the five minutes of childhood she has left. Her music is positive and girl-empowering. I don't remember having someone that was so positive to listen to when I was in second grade. Cut to me, eight years old singing "like a virgin....touched for the very first time..." No lie. Now back to Hannah "everybody makes mistakes.....everybody has those days..." Which would you rather your kids be listening to? I know I am a MUCH more astute parent than my parents were. I would never have bought my kid an album entitled "Like a Virgin". No effing way. Since we are not a gospel kind of family, my kids would have to spend their childhood humming showtunes if it weren't for Hannah. Now we have a show we can watch together and music we can turn up on the radio without having to listen for the parts I would rather they not memorize. I know I can be very overprotective. I know this. It doesn't change the fact that it is about time we had someone that we can all rock out to. Long live Hannah Montana! You can laugh at me now.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Happy Birthday to who?
Tomorrow is my youngest daughter's birthday party. She just turned eight. My oldest daughter is nine so that means this is our 17th birthday party. Holy crap! I have never done that math before. It has been many years since I have had enough money to purchase the little gift bags that go home with every tiny party goer. I did have some guilt at first but now (still broke) I no longer have guilt. Who started this nonsense? Since when is it appropriate to expect a schwag bag when you go to a kid's birthday party? With not a lot of money, I would rather spend my money on the birthday girl. For anyone that has not bought these goodie bags, they can easily run over fifty bucks. Sorry, that's a whole other present. I also know that the moment a partygoer gets home, the bag goes right into the trash, mostly because it's a bunch of junk. Call it going green, call it selfishness, whatevs. I am not doing it. I found some glow bracelets for the kids for a dollar. I will be giving those but they won't come in cute bags to be thrown away. We will have cake and fun. Isn't that enough anymore?
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Vagina Check
I have found a new addiction. (like I need another one) I have been playing darts on myspace. It's a multiplayer game where you play against other people, not the computer. I like that. Usually, people are very nice. Some don't want to chat at all. Those are my favorites. I would much rather just play. I have had a few people try to pick me up. I guess that is to be expected. There are a lot of lonely people in the world. I just finished a game with a guy that was a total dick. Picture this: game three comes to a close and I have taken him two out of three. He wants to play again. Sure! I will take that bet. A few darts in he tries to type something foul that gets blurred out. So he types it one letter at a time. S...L...U...T next line W...H...O...R...E. WTF? What in the H E double hockey sticks is that all about? I beat him and now he wants to rattle me. I would love to say that I beat him but I didn't. I don't feel too bad about it though. I tried not to justify his immaturity but I did get one thing in "if winning a computer game makes you fell like a man, go for it". Pretty good huh? His response was the best. he said (spread out so he didn't get blurred) "your vagina hurts" . It doesn't. My vagina is just fine. Thanks for checking.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Root, root, root for the home team!
Kacie had the last games of her softball season last Saturday. Her team played a double-header for the championship- and lost. It was a very disappointing loss for the girls, coaches and parents since they had kicked serious ass all season long. The worst part wasn't the loss though. It was the coaching on the other team. The ump spent half his time arguing with the belly aching and bad mouthing of the other coach and had him on a "this is your last warning before I throw you out" basis for half of the first game and all of the second. None of us know why he didn't throw him out, especially since the ump himself said that this guy was the biggest slimeball he had seen umping. He actually said slimeball. His team was on the field saying things to our girls like " you suck" and " you guys can't hit anything" while they were on base. That makes a lot of sense since they were on base. I digress.
This coach, a fifty something year old guy coaching 8, 9, and 10 year olds would stand on the side and when our girls were up top bat would yell "swing!" and when our team was trying to field a ball would yell "throw it!!!". It was gross. It got so bad that our coach felt the need to go over to the other dugout and rally their girls to just have fun out there. That's the kind of coaches we have. I am so proud of her for that. She's a bigger person than I am.
It used to be parents on the sidelines we had to worry about being jerks and stressing the kids out. I was so horrified to see a head coach act this way. I need to report him to someone. I know from another parent on his team that he yelled at his girls all season long. No one deserves that. Not when you are eight years old. We are so lucky to have had the season we did. The kids worked hard and improved every game. Kacie started the season afraid of the ball and in the last game caught two fly balls in a row. So, it turns out, it really was a good day.
This coach, a fifty something year old guy coaching 8, 9, and 10 year olds would stand on the side and when our girls were up top bat would yell "swing!" and when our team was trying to field a ball would yell "throw it!!!". It was gross. It got so bad that our coach felt the need to go over to the other dugout and rally their girls to just have fun out there. That's the kind of coaches we have. I am so proud of her for that. She's a bigger person than I am.
It used to be parents on the sidelines we had to worry about being jerks and stressing the kids out. I was so horrified to see a head coach act this way. I need to report him to someone. I know from another parent on his team that he yelled at his girls all season long. No one deserves that. Not when you are eight years old. We are so lucky to have had the season we did. The kids worked hard and improved every game. Kacie started the season afraid of the ball and in the last game caught two fly balls in a row. So, it turns out, it really was a good day.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Rules are rules!
So, Jimi came over the other night and we got talking about the subject of swear words. I, myself don't get it. I never have. Who made up this rule? Who decided that there would be certain words that we were not allowed to say? As we all know, the list gets shorter and shorter as the years go by and I am looking forward to the day that no words are taboo. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking forward to six year olds dropping mad f-bombs. I just think the whole concept is dumb. Who picked those certain letters to make forbidden words? Now that's power, I say. Maybe I will make one up. If I tell you what it is though, you can never say it. It's the rules.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
GOOD NEWS!!!!
I don't have the whole story, but my brother is back at the halfway house!!!!!!!! Something about not having a job but my mom seems pissed about it. Like pissed at him. This could be the little girl in me hoping beyond all hope that she really has had it with him but, one thing is for sure, she's pissed. All that matters is that my kids are having dinner at my parents house and I am sitting at the computer, kid-free. It seems like it has been so long but it has just been the craziest two weeks ever. Between softball and dance recital rehearsals we have been non-stop. You have no idea. I don't know how parents with six or eight kids does anything. Two in dance and softball for six weeks at the same time has been close to unbearable. All we have is three playoff games left and two are a double header. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today has been a good day.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Here goes nothin'!
After much thought and deliberation, I have decided to start off on a serious note. I am not an entirely serious person, you see, so don't think that this tone will be followed with more like it. I am generally lighthearted and, some would say (I hope!) fun. Alas, this is the most pressing subject on my brain to date so I feel like it's the place to start. Y'all ready for this?
Most that know me know that I was adopted and grew up with a "brother" that was also adopted. More on the quotations later. He is three years younger then I am and we are not blood related in any way. Adopted kids grow up on the mantra that "it doesn't matter, it takes all different ways to make a family!". I never fell into that thought process. If you knew him, you would understand why I put quotations around the word brother. He is not my brother in any form except legally to me and he was the one that put himself there. I won't bore you with the "one time he..." "and then there was the time he...". Just know that he did bad stuff to everyone he comes into contact with. He's that guy. Bad stuff to me as a kid, adult and parent when he did bad stuff to one of my kids. That's all I will say about that. (ok, forrest gump, anyone?)
He is, yet again, out of jail. And moved back in with my parents. Into the room that was, until now, my kids room. All is well at their happy home. They get their boy back (again) from federal prison this time where the really big bad wolves live, safe and sound. My kids now cannot visit their grandparents or great grandmother because he has proven many times that he can not be trusted around the kids. What kind of a mother puts her kids in harm's way so she can get an afternoon off? I know you may be thinking "they should still be able to see their grandparents!" I agree. The problem here is that my parents have been so wrapped up in him that all of their time is spent on meeting his needs and life is "just so crazy right now". I guess taking the kids for an ice cream is very time consuming. Maybe they don't fully trust him and his high fashion house arrest anklet to be home alone. Who knows. All I know is that my kids are getting the shaft and I can't help but wonder if it is some kind of twisted punishment sent my way. I could go on for hours about this and I have another point to get to so I will just leave it at "I'm pissed" and move on.
This gem of a sibling I have has been in every detention center facility there is. He has done group homes, juvvie, county jail, state prison, and now fed with a few halfway houses here and there. Am I missing any because I think he has all of his bases covered. This all started when he was 16 (with the law) and he is now thirty one years old. Lots of accomplishments. My parents are at a crossroads right now. My mother has just about had it. Still in the "just about" stage but her fuse keeps going lower. My father on the other hand, still thinks that my brother has been wronged and none of it is his fault and it is his job as father to make sure he has all he needs to attempt success once again.
I am a parent. I get the idea of how horrific it would be to lose a child so how could you write yours off as if they were dead. This, I never expect. It will never happen. When does one run out of chances????? I mean, come on! There has to come a time when the right thing to do as a parent is to say "we have done all we can for you and we don't feel like we are helping you. It's time to go it on your own." Not even an "I hate you !" Just maybe a move out date or job deadline or, I don't know, CONSEQUENCES?!? How many times can one hear "I'm gonna be better" until they start to think, even in the tiniest of voices, "yeah, right". I just don't get it.
I see this as being an ongoing saga in my life that may carry onto blog. I know that some people will read it but maybe not tons. The title is confessions of... so if you like to be nosy, you might enjoy my own personal journal about this. I give my permission. I have no problems with friends or strangers crawling into that part of my brain. I'm a talker. I guess no matter who is listening.
Most that know me know that I was adopted and grew up with a "brother" that was also adopted. More on the quotations later. He is three years younger then I am and we are not blood related in any way. Adopted kids grow up on the mantra that "it doesn't matter, it takes all different ways to make a family!". I never fell into that thought process. If you knew him, you would understand why I put quotations around the word brother. He is not my brother in any form except legally to me and he was the one that put himself there. I won't bore you with the "one time he..." "and then there was the time he...". Just know that he did bad stuff to everyone he comes into contact with. He's that guy. Bad stuff to me as a kid, adult and parent when he did bad stuff to one of my kids. That's all I will say about that. (ok, forrest gump, anyone?)
He is, yet again, out of jail. And moved back in with my parents. Into the room that was, until now, my kids room. All is well at their happy home. They get their boy back (again) from federal prison this time where the really big bad wolves live, safe and sound. My kids now cannot visit their grandparents or great grandmother because he has proven many times that he can not be trusted around the kids. What kind of a mother puts her kids in harm's way so she can get an afternoon off? I know you may be thinking "they should still be able to see their grandparents!" I agree. The problem here is that my parents have been so wrapped up in him that all of their time is spent on meeting his needs and life is "just so crazy right now". I guess taking the kids for an ice cream is very time consuming. Maybe they don't fully trust him and his high fashion house arrest anklet to be home alone. Who knows. All I know is that my kids are getting the shaft and I can't help but wonder if it is some kind of twisted punishment sent my way. I could go on for hours about this and I have another point to get to so I will just leave it at "I'm pissed" and move on.
This gem of a sibling I have has been in every detention center facility there is. He has done group homes, juvvie, county jail, state prison, and now fed with a few halfway houses here and there. Am I missing any because I think he has all of his bases covered. This all started when he was 16 (with the law) and he is now thirty one years old. Lots of accomplishments. My parents are at a crossroads right now. My mother has just about had it. Still in the "just about" stage but her fuse keeps going lower. My father on the other hand, still thinks that my brother has been wronged and none of it is his fault and it is his job as father to make sure he has all he needs to attempt success once again.
I am a parent. I get the idea of how horrific it would be to lose a child so how could you write yours off as if they were dead. This, I never expect. It will never happen. When does one run out of chances????? I mean, come on! There has to come a time when the right thing to do as a parent is to say "we have done all we can for you and we don't feel like we are helping you. It's time to go it on your own." Not even an "I hate you !" Just maybe a move out date or job deadline or, I don't know, CONSEQUENCES?!? How many times can one hear "I'm gonna be better" until they start to think, even in the tiniest of voices, "yeah, right". I just don't get it.
I see this as being an ongoing saga in my life that may carry onto blog. I know that some people will read it but maybe not tons. The title is confessions of... so if you like to be nosy, you might enjoy my own personal journal about this. I give my permission. I have no problems with friends or strangers crawling into that part of my brain. I'm a talker. I guess no matter who is listening.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Hello and welcome!
I decided today to be a copy-cat. I like to talk and tell people stuff about me so I figured I would do what any self-respecting hot mess would do, blog! I don't know if anyone will even read this (my sister probably) but it's just as much for me, I suppose. For those that don't know me I am a lesbian mom of two girls. One is almost 8 and the other is 9 1/2. Can't forget the 1/2. I have an amazing partner of almost five years named Cyn and we live in a tiny shit-hole of an apartment with our three cats and one foster cat. It can get cramped at times especially with the mess my house is always in but, it's cozy, lived in, and home. That's the basics of me. We spend our time going to dance class and softball and we play video games (guitar hero like it's our job!) and watch tv. It looks so much less exciting when I put it like that. Not that I would call my life exciting, but it definately isn't boring. I can be long winded at times. I am a talker. Love to talk so check here when you have a minute or five. Just a heads-up. I always have a lot to say and plenty of things to talk about. It's part of my charm. I am not very computer savvy so we will see how long it takes me to figure out how to put pictures up here. I think I should close down now and spread the word to try to score some readers. I mean what's the point in talking if no one is listening, right? Stay tuned.
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